Online Dating Doldrums? Find Yourself a Wingwoman

Q: Dating older men can be disillusioning. Why are men on singles websites are disingenuous? The ones I’ve met seem to be so needy: They talk about past, failed relationships; some talk about weekend plans like playing golf (both days); some I’ve learned later are still married; and don’t forget about the one that has an old girlfriend living with him because she is indigent and he’s grown fond of her grandchildren. Don’t even ask me about the one that has insecurity issues and kept asking me if I still saw my ex-husband … as we were sitting down to dinner. Just a bunch of losers.

After a while, I gave up looking for the sincere, honest, right guy. — JS

Dr. Schwartz: OK, dating was never easy. Think of all the relationships that you know about, how many are a piece of cake?  Everyone has quirks, insecurities, scars from previous relationships. Don’t you have a few? Maybe you need to give people a bit more slack before you decide they are “losers.”

That said, maybe you are looking at the wrong guys or only responding to people who choose you rather than hunting for what you want.  Why don’t you get a “wingwoman”- a friend who can sit down with you and help you select men. Perhaps she would see possible problems in a way you have not, and could also see potential in guys you might not have automatically selected.

I know online dating can be frustrated. I not only work with an online dating company but I have used it myself and I found the wonderful man I am with now (and have been with for six years. And we just got engaged. Read my blog about it here)

And before him, I met and fell in love with a great guy online and while that didn’t work out for the long term as lovers, we are really close friends now.

So, I am not a cynic about online dating. Yes, you are going to meet a lot of people who are inappropriate for you in many ways. But are there amazing, worthwhile men and women out there? Absolutely.  You need to keep at it-but get some support from a good friend.

Dr. Schwartz answers readers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your questions hereRead of Pepper’s columns hereFollow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

Photo by Don Hankins via CreativeCommons.org