Is It More Stressful to Care for a Spouse or a Parent?

By Lauran Neergaard and Jennifer Agiesta of the Associated Press

iStock_000021857777SmallWASHINGTON (AP) – More Americans may wind up helping Mom as she gets older, but a new poll shows the most stressful kind of caregiving is for a frail spouse.

The population is rapidly aging, but people aren’t doing much to get ready – even though government figures show nearly 7 in 10 Americans will need long-term care at some point after they reach age 65.

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In fact, people 40 and over are more likely to discuss their funeral plans than their preferences for assistance with day-to-day living as they get older, according to the poll by the AP-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research.

Five findings from the poll:


Half of people 40 and older already have been caregivers to relatives or friends. Six in 10 have provided care to a parent, mostly a mother, while 14 percent have cared for a spouse or partner.

Overwhelmingly, caregivers called it a positive experience. But it’s also incredibly difficult, especially for spouses. While 7 in 10 who cared for a spouse said their relationship grew stronger as a result, nearly two-thirds said it caused stress in their family, compared with about half among those who cared for a parent.

It’s not just an emotional challenge but a physical one: The average age of spouse caregivers was 67, compared to 58 for people who’ve cared for a parent.

Virginia Brumley, 79, said caring for her husband, Jim, for nearly five years as he suffered from dementia strengthened their bond. But eventually he needed a nursing home because “he was too big for me. He was as helpless as a baby,” she said.

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A third of Americans in the 40-plus age group are deeply concerned that they won’t plan enough for the care they’ll need in their senior years, and that they’ll burden their families.

Yet two-thirds say they’ve done little or no planning. About 32 percent say they’ve set aside money to pay for ongoing living assistance; 28 percent have modified their home to make it easier to live in when they’re older.

In contrast, two-thirds have disclosed their funeral plans.

Anthony Malen, 86, of Gilroy, Calif., said he and his wife, Eva Mae, who has a variety of health problems, never discussed a plan for caregiving as they got older.

“She doesn’t want anyone in the house. She doesn’t want any help. She fusses about it so much, I just give up on it. But if it gets any worse, we’re going to have to have it,” Malen said. “I’m getting older too.”

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Three in 10 Americans 40 and older say they think it’s very likely that an older relative or friend will need care within the next five years.

Just 30 percent who expect to provide that care feel very prepared for the job, while half say they’re somewhat prepared. But only 40 percent have discussed their loved one’s preferences for that assistance or where they want to live. Women are more likely than men to have had those tough conversations.


Some 53 percent of people underestimate the monthly cost of a nursing home, about $6,900. Another third underestimate the cost of assisted living, about $3,400. One in 5 wrongly thought a home health aide costs less than $1,000 a month.

Contrary to popular belief, Medicare doesn’t pay for the most common long-term care, and last year, a bipartisan commission appointed by Congress couldn’t agree on how to finance those services. But nearly 6 in 10 Americans 40 and older support some type of government-administered long-term care insurance program, a 7 point increase from last year’s AP survey.


More than three-fourths of people in this age group favor tax breaks to encourage saving for long-term care or for purchasing long-term care insurance. Only a third favor a requirement to purchase such coverage.

About 8 in 10 want more access to community services that help the elderly live independently.

More than 70 percent support respite care programs for family caregivers and letting people take time off work or adjust their schedules to accommodate caregiving.

The AP-NORC Center survey was conducted by telephone March 13 to April 23 among a random national sample of 1,419 adults age 40 or older, with funding from the SCAN Foundation. Results for the full survey have a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3.6 percentage points.


Associated Press writer Stacy A. Anderson and news survey specialist Dennis Junius contributed to this report.


Copyright 2014 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.


Photo: Fred Froese/iStockphoto


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4jeanie 5pts

watch out for long term care coverage. it can take months to start to pay. also, watch the elimination period. my husband was just 4 days shy if his 100 days, we took him home for 2 months. when he had to return to assisted living, the 100 days started all over again! it has been 6 months and I have yet to see a penny.

mf5234 5pts

This statement says it all, "7 in 10 Americans will need long-term care at some point after they reach age 65". For me, this is more than enough to persuade people to get covered but still there are some who choose to ignore this. These people are confident that their families will take care of them when the time comes they will need long-term care. It's just sad that people don't want to plan and just want to become a burden to their families.

Everyone is given equal opportunities to plan ahead and plan for long-term care. People should take advantage of this and seize the moment when they can create a sound financial plan especially if you don't have family members who can take care of you. Ltcoptions suggests that getting coverage from long term care insurance companies is a wise thing to do especially now that the cost of care is skyrocketing.

In my opinion, caregiving in itself is stressful and will eventually take a toll on someone's health. I just hope people will keep this in mind and prepare ahead in order to avoid becoming a burden to their loved ones.