Elliott Gould and Judith Roberts in “Fred Won’t Move Out.”

Over the past 40 years or so, we’ve gotten used to seeing Elliott Gould large and in charge. From the original Trapper John in M*A*S*H to Philip Marlowe in The Long Goodbye to mobster Reuben Tishkoff in the Ocean’s movies, Gould can be a pretty intimidating screen presence.
So it takes some getting used to, seeing him as the vulnerable title character in the family drama Fred Won’t Move Out, now on DVD and digital download. Although Fred was clearly once a domineering personality, as he’s grown older he has seen his world shrink considerably. His wife Susan (Judith Roberts) is drifting off into the haze of Alzheimer’s. He putters around their suburban house, trying to stay out of the way of Susan’s health care worker. And now his grown children are arranging for the couple to move into an assisted living facility in New York City.

Click here to view the embedded video.

“It’s important for people to see that we’re not alone, “ says Gould. “We all have something to share. I believe there’s nothing of value other than what we have to share. It’s one thing to share goodness and accomplishment; it’s another thing to share a problem.”
Sometimes, he added, it requires a certain amount of awareness to spot problems that are slowly unfolding—a challenge that specifically faces the grown children in Fred Won’t Move Out (Fred Melamed and Stephanie Roth Haberle).
“The second generation, the children, they’re the most difficult,” he said. “That generation is in some ways not so evolved as to stop worrying about themselves.
“Once we are willing to communicate directly, we can finally see that one of us has a problem.”

I had always assumed that by the time my brothers and I “grew up” we’d have it all figured out, including the major discussions of how best to help our parents as they age and change. But an online survey of 1,110 adults ages 40 and older, commissioned by the in-home senior care company Visiting Angels,  found that nearly three out of four (72 percent) didn’t have any sort of plan at all and that 54 percent hadn’t even broached the subject with their parents. Other surprising findings:

• Only 33 percent, consisting mostly of firstborn children, would rather have their fathers move in with them over their mothers if they had to choose. Respondents said dad is messier (70 percent) and that mom is more likely to contribute to the household (86 percent).

• More than two-thirds (70 percent) didn’t want either parent to move in with them, period, and 85 percent said that not even an increase in their inheritance would change their minds.

• Some 60 percent believe their parents would prefer to age in their own home, yet 20 percent would prefer that their parents move into an assisted living facility or nursing home.

How and when are we supposed to start these potentially sensitive family conversations?

“The conversation needs to start before a crisis,” says Larry Meigs, CEO of Visiting Angels. Otherwise, you may find that you and your siblings have very different assumptions about who should do what. And the last thing you want in dear old dad’s future is a family feud.

So while a dozen golf balls or the latest advancement in grill technology (Bluetooth lamp-radio, anyone?) may be a well-deserved token of Father’s Day love, nothing beats peace of mind.

Photo: Peter Werkman (www.peterwerkman.nl)/Flickr

It just so happens that saggy pants is a passion for one Virginia dad. Gil Knowles, a retired Army lieutenant colonel and father of one (Miami TV news reporter Summer Knowles), considers the fad an opportunity to mentor instead of criticize young men who choose to show their behinds.

His book: Help Them Pull Their Pants Up: How Mentors and Communities Can Empower Young African American Men.

See also: Filmmaker Helps Nurture, Care for Orphaned Children (video)

Although he didn’t have a close relationship with his own dad, Knowles says, he’s driven to forge ties with young men who aren’t kin to him. For more than 35 years he has mentored hundreds of young people of various races and ethnicities while working at St. Augustine College in Raleigh, N.C., informally in his church and community, and as CEO of a mentoring consulting business, Knowles What to Do.

His message: “We have to not tell them to pull their pants up but teach them,” says Knowles, 58, of Haymarket, Va. “They’re doing what they know.”

The Miami native with a booming voice and commanding presence says many of the tattooed wearers of low-riding pants are really good kids who are also fragile. So he takes the time to talk to them, get to personally know and encourage them, and build their self-esteem.

His motto: “Respect to connect then correct.”

And he’s seen how taking that time can make a difference. Many of his mentees are now responsible fathers and entrepreneurs.

“Although mentors are not biological fathers, they serve as fill-in dads for those that do not have their real fathers in their lives,” Knowles says.

Knowles has an ally in “General” Larry Platt, who appeared during the ninth season of “American Idol.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Photo of saggy pants by Malingering via Flickr

Also of Interest

• Have You Had “The Talk”? New York Times Tackles a Thorny Issue
• Are Your Parents At Risk for Financial Fraud?
• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

Alexey Ivanov/Getty Images

You have a slightly better chance of staying together if you meet online: That’s the finding of a recent collaboration between a dating website and a respected University of Chicago psychologist, and to me it’s Big News.

Why?

Because it’s a promising first span across online dating’s credibility gap. Or should I say credibility canyon? Plenty of people meet online — in fact, the study suggests one in three married couples now meet online — but until now they’ve tended to keep that venue in the closet. “How’d the two of us get together? Oh, well, uh, to be perfectly honest with you [lowers voice to a hissing whisper], we met online.”

Our reluctance to admit we met in cyberspace has stemmed from the stigma — antiquated, if you ask me! — surrounding introductions not made by Aunt Betsy at the church social.

But now, thanks to Professor John Cacioppo and eHarmony.com, you can brag that you did the smart thing: “I upped my chances for marital longevity by going online!”

Unconvinced? Though the difference is small — “Marriage breakups were reported in about 6 percent of the people who met online, compared with 7.6 percent of the people who met offline,” writes William Harms of futurity.org — it makes triple sense because online daters:

1. are motivated to “get it right” this time around;
2. enjoy a wealth of very specific data about their dating options; and
3. may proceed more cautiously as they get to know a stranger.

Overall, then, a very heartening study! I believe in online dating because, as an industry consultant, I’ve seen how several sites work from the inside out.

Oh yes — and I just got engaged to a guy I met online! (I blogged about it, too.) In fact, let me go text him right now with this good news about our higher chances for a long and happy marriage!

Dr. Schwartz answers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your question here. Read more of her columns here. And be sure to follow Pepper on Twitter @pepperschwartz.

“In a matter of minutes, thousands of lives were changed forever as a result of the tornadoes that hit Oklahoma in May. The path of destruction and loss of life left by these storms has been heartbreaking,” he told me. “We remember the lost, pray for the victims and give thanks for the heroic efforts of the first responders.” – Sean Voskuhl, State Director, AARP Oklahoma

Whether you help older loved ones nearby or from a distance, they’ll need your support to cope after a tragedy. Here are a few things to keep in mind when disaster hits:

Preparation:  Make sure they have a simple plan for where to go and what to do in the event of a disaster. Plan how you’ll contact each other in the aftermath — beyond phones and email, which may not be available. For four great tips for preparing for a natural disaster, see my friend Sally Abrahms’ recent post. Also see her post about questions to ask about nursing facilities’ evacuation plans.

Finding help in the aftermath: Your loved ones may need help with complicated insurance, health and housing issues.

• In Oklahoma, Sean told me people are advised to call 2-1-1 for information and referral.
• In many disasters, the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) steps in to provide support.
• Contact the local Area Agency on Aging (find one at eldercare.gov) to find out about supports for older adults. Also check with local faith communities.
• Contact your loved ones’ health insurance company for guidance about prescription drug coverage if they’ve lost medication and need emergency supplies. Contact their doctors, home health agencies or home care physicians about mobile medical care options if they are not hospitalized.

Dealing with emotions: Your older loved ones are very vulnerable and experiencing grief and loss after a disaster. Emotional upset, stress, fatigue and injuries may hinder their ability to manage their affairs.

• Be sure your loved ones are getting mental health care from qualified professionals trained to deal with disasters, trauma and tragedy.
• It takes time to recover from disaster; be aware that the effects may be long-lasting.

Caregiver Stress: Don’t forget to deal with your own stress as a caregiver. You may have been personally affected by the disaster as well, or you may be helping multiple family members and friends. Crisis management can be extremely draining. Watch out for these red flags signaling burnout:

• Extreme mental, physical, emotional exhaustion (or total meltdown, as I like to call it).
• Loss of motivation — a feeling that you just don’t care about anything.
• Extreme despair; a desire to walk away from the stressful situation.

If you experience any of these, pay attention: take a break, get support, take care of your health, ask others to help your loved ones cope.

AARP Oklahoma is working with the AARP Foundation to support victims of the tornado. If you’d like to help, you can contribute to the AARP Foundation Oklahoma Tornado Relief Fund.

Amy Goyer is AARP’s Home & Family Expert; she splits her time between Washington, D.C. and Phoenix, Ariz. where she is caregiving for both of her parents who live with her. Her new book, AARP’s Juggling Work and Caregiving, will be published this fall. Follow Amy on Twitter @amygoyer and on Facebook.

I had not seen Rose Toren for almost 15 years, until last weekend, when I decided that if anyone deserved tribute on this special holiday of memory and celebration, it was she.

Memorials apply to many sorrows.

She had just reached the age of 90 and, beset by failing health, seemed frail and detached, paying the price of time and grief in a prevailing mood of sadness that had deepened over the years.

But, despite that, one could also clearly discern that a spirit of defiance had remained an integral part of her cultural geometry. Rose Toren, whose entire family had perished in the Jewish Holocaust, was still here.

She was one in about a million who survived.

Related: Artist Preserves Memories of Holocaust Victims

I first met Rose after she had published Destiny, a book of her escape from genocide. It chronicled both the will and horror of a moonlit night in 1939 when Nazis soldiers pounded on the door of their home in a village near Lublin, Poland.

They forced the family of seven to gather in a field and await their return. Rose was 14. There was her sister, Eda, 12, two other sisters, a brother and their parents.

All had been aware of Nazi atrocities and Eda decided to escape. She vanished into the night and was never seen again. The father urged them all to run, but only Rose took his advice. She left without knowing the fate of the others.

Holocaust survivor Rose Toren. Courtesy: Toren family

She asked for help at the home of a friend whose father was mayor in a nearby town. They not only sheltered Rose but forged papers that identified her as a “displaced Polish Christian.”

On the run, she worked where she could to survive, counting on others to help. Unable to tightly maintain a false identity, angry at having to deny her heritage, she admitted to a factory co-worker—who in reality was a Nazi informer—that she was a Jew and she was immediately imprisoned in Auschwitz.

But she was not about going quietly to her death. “Not Rose Toren,” she says, shaking her head.

She fled once more and remained free until the war ended and the death camps were dismantled. She moved to the United States, but returned to Poland twice to search for her family. She learned on the first trip that the Nazis had murdered them all. Only Eda, who disappeared into the night a long time ago, remained unaccounted for.

“I’ve always had the feeling she was out there alive,” Rose says, pondering another trip—just one more—to look for her little sister. Then, as if to admonish herself, she adds, “Don’t give up, Rose, don’t ever give up.”

I know that she never will.

Star of David photo credit: emilybean via Flickr

Also of Interest

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• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

My message is pretty simple: To anyone who may have to deal with estate matters after the death of a parent (or other family member or friend), you should encourage your loved ones to get their affairs in order — no matter what their age. In addition, make sure they show you how to find everything you’ll need in order to deal with their estate. If they don’t want to tell you the details of their finances, that’s their prerogative. Just make sure you know where to go and what to do when the time comes.

Join the discussion: The No Longer Taboo topic of Death… 

To the parents (or other relatives, partners or friends), I implore you to have everything organized. I’m not just referring to a will or trust. The New York Times story described a family who had problems dealing with their mother’s mortgage, car insurance and even the cable box. Communicating about all the minutia ahead of time is one way to help your family be prepared to deal with these thorny matters while in the throes of grieving. Having both the big picture and the intricate details in place and easily accessible for the exectuors of your estate will ensure things are handled the way you want. If you talk about your wishes in advance of your death, even better; it’s actually a way to have more control — not less. It’s also the best way to prevent family feuds after you’re gone.

Finances and death are not topics that anyone really enjoys discussing. And dealing with both of them at the same time is especially tough. The smartest thing you can is prepare. Talk with an estate planning professional, and here are some additional resources you might find helpful as you navigate this process:

• The executor’s challenge:  A piece about all that’s involved in dealing with someone’s estate, as well as important advice for people who want to make the job easier for whomever they appoint.
• Tips for difficult family conversations: Whether you need to talk about hanging up the keys, financial matters, legal issues or end-of-life care, these are tips for having “The Talk”.
• Ways to organize financial and legal information: My post and video with a checklist of information to prepare (yours) or gather (if caring for loved ones or dealing with their estate), and how to organize and share it all with some great apps and websites.
•  Caregiving: Legal and financial resources: A wide range of information from the AARP Caregiving Resource Center if you are currently caring for loved ones, or if you’re concerned about the future when they pass on.
• Estate planning: From wills and living trusts to pre-paid funerals, everything you need to know to get your estate in order and plan so your loved ones will be able to take care of your affairs after you die.

What’s your take on estate planning? Are you organized and ready? Let me know in the comments section, below.

Amy Goyer is AARP’s Home & Family Expert; she splits her time between Washington, D.C. and Phoenix, Ariz. where she is caregiving for both of her parents who live with her. Her new book, AARP’s Juggling Work and Caregiving, is slated for fall 2013 publication. Follow Amy on Twitter @amygoyer and on Facebook.

Also of Interest

• A TED Talk on Preparing for the Inevitable
• Games for 50+: Online Games Provide Caregivers with Time to Recharge
• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

Photo: Jose Luis Pelaez/Alamy

Join the discussion: Grief and Loss — How do you cope?

Courtesy: Lavioe Images Flickr photostream

We were a hard-drinking, cigarette-smoking, fun-loving bunch back then, not eating right or exercising or generally taking care of ourselves. Hell, we were in our 30s and didn’t spend a moment worrying about how our bad habits were chipping away at our mortality. Life was a party and we were dancing to the beat.

Among those I knew on the editorial staff of the Oakland Tribune, only a few still survive. Most died in their 40s and 50s when the norm of an expected life span collided with a misbegotten lifestyle. At 83, I’m burdened by all kinds of ailments but remain somehow still on my feet, trying to define the world around me. I left the party early and it has given me more years to contemplate.

But there is a kind of loneliness to survival in the slow diminishment of a group. One feels alone and often isolated. I remember thinking about that years ago as my mother-in-law, at age 96, was dealing with the lonely world she had inherited. Her husband had died and so had all of the friends she had known as far back as first grade.

When she visited us in her final years, she would sit alone watching television far into the night, bored by the re-runs but craving the company of familiarity that old shows provided. More than once she had said to me how she missed her husband and friends and how she wished she could join them. As she lay dying a few years ago, we couldn’t help but notice the peaceful composure of her final expression.

My feeling and hers at the loss of a husband and good friends represents a form of grieving often difficult to overcome. In her case, she mourned them with the immediacy of a funeral in progress, yearning to be with them. I remember my lost friends with a distant smile and am grateful that my very best friend, my wife of 63 years, remains with me.

Grief counselors tell us to cry when crying is required in the moment of death, but then move on. Adopt new activities, they say. Join clubs. Find new friends. Grief is a natural response to loss, they add, but not a way of life.

We lost our eldest daughter Cindy to cancer two years ago, and hardly a day goes by that I don’t think of her. But the tears are long since dry, and when the family talks about her it’s with laughter and a kind of joy that reanimates her in the deepest parts of memory. We are left with the pleasure of her company in more ways than we could have ever imagined.

Also of Interest

• Which Is Worse, Being Lonely or Just Being Alone?
• 5 Ways to Deal with Surging Boomer Suicides
• Join AARP: Savings, resources and news for your well-being

See the AARP home page for deals, savings tips, trivia and more

I didn’t have to ask the clerk how they were selling. She was in the middle of ringing up a charming bear in a ruby satin dress donning an oversized floppy hat.

During my visit, I wheeled my cognitively intact mother-in-law to her friend’s room in the memory care unit. Guess what was there? An enchanting brown and white life-sized stuffed dog so big that it spills over a human lap. My mother-in-law held it. (Okay, so did I.) I asked if she wanted one. I thought she’d say no. “It would be nice,” she replied.

There’s a woman on my mother-in-law’s floor who rides around in her wheelchair stroking a small Teddy. It is a little off-putting, I admit. We’re a society that values maturity and discourages people from acting “babyish.” Having a stuffed animal isn’t thought of as being mature, or, in our culture known as “acting your age.”

Some think that giving stuffed animals to the elderly is insulting and infantilizing. But if college kids (and beyond) can cart them off to school — and they do — what’s the difference? A grandparent or great-grandparent has the same need — to have a reminder of something familiar or beloved. Or to be soothed by something that may be new but reminds them of their past.

Or maybe it’s the “touch thing.” Could a stuffed animal provide the same tactile comfort as a live pet? Research abounds about the power of pet therapy for the elderly, the grief-stricken and the emotionally challenged. Stroking an animal, particularly a dog, has been shown to lower blood pressure and heart rate, reduce agitation and anxiety and produce a sense of well-being.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s comforting to touch something soft and familiar. “When we’re stressed and vulnerable, we tend to regress and seek out what gave us comfort earlier in life, like a blanket or favorite stuffed animal,” says Barry Jacobs, a Pennsylvania clinical psychologist and author of the Emotional Survival Guide for Caregivers. “It’s not about treating someone elderly like a child. These objects provide comfort for all ages.”

A close friend told me last week that her married daughter still has her childhood blanket. Her husband has a rule: her wife can sleep with her beloved blanket when he’s out of town. Otherwise, it’s relegated to her closet.

I found myself in a toy store the other day looked at stuffed animals. I said to the clerk, “this might sound weird, but I want one for someone in her 90s.”

“It’s not weird,” she said, “it’s lovely.” I bought her a camel-colored dog.

What is your take on this topic? I’d love to hear from you.

For more on Sally, go to www.sallyabrahms.com or twitter.

My Dad and me hiking at the farm in Ohio.

I recently spoke about my Dad with NPR’s Jacki Lyden for their Weekend All Things Considered story on Alzheimer’s disease. I told her it was a bittersweet experience for me. I started listening to the show as a young child with Dad, and there I was, 40 years later, at the NPR studio, talking about him and the ways that Alzheimer’s disease  is slowly robbing his brain.

The first few notes of the show’s theme song immediately summon warm, secure “all is right with the world” feelings for me, transporting me to the backseat of our Pontiac station wagon as Dad drove home from his office where I had walked after school.  He listened daily to the local NPR station for classical music, local interest programs and All Things Considered.  He would have been so happy and proud for me to be on the show. Now, he still loves the music, but has trouble processing what he hears in the news programs. I may play the recording for him, but now it won’t really register for him cognitively as it once would have.

Still, I know I’m doing what Mom and Dad want me to do when I share my caregiving experiences. He was an educator — a university professor of Communication and even had his master’s degree in radio. My Mom was an educator too. We talked early on about my work and they both agreed that we have the opportunity to help others by educating them about our experiences.

As Jacki noted in the story, there are 5 million Americans suffering from Alzheimer’s disease today, and that number will triple by 2050. Dr. Dorene Rentz, also interviewed in the story, says it’s reached epidemic proportions. But she also offers hope with new treatments, and that’s what I’m counting on.

“I’m not just trying to keep my parents alive; I’m trying to have a good life with them and live my life at the same time. There’s still a lot of fun and a lot of surprises and just a lot of love. My parents are just very sweet individuals and I’m very lucky in that way.”

                                        — Amy Goyer

Listen here to the NPR Weekend All Things Considered story: Alzheimer’s Cases Rise, But Hope Remains.

Amy Goyer is AARP’s Home & Family Expert; she splits her time between Washington, D.C. and Phoenix, Ariz. where she is caregiving for both of her parents who live with her. Her new book, Juggling Work and Caregiving, will be published this fall. Follow Amy on Twitter @amygoyer and on Facebook.