Cheap Tickets, Popcorn and Soda at Regal Theaters!

You  know, I really hate to shill--I'm not a salesman, I'm an artiste. But indulge me this one time, because it's one of those rare instances where art, promotion, and savings align--like those converging stars in The Omen that portend the coming of the Antichrist, only in this case we're not talking about the Seed of Satan, but about discounted tickets, popcorn and soda at Regal Movie Theaters.

Here's the deal: Click here to go to the Regal Entertainment page at AARP.org and click on the "Find Tickets" button. You'll find a Regal theater near you that sells online tickets any screening for just $8. And when you get to the theater snack bar, show your AARP card and free Regal Crown Card ( apply here) and you'll get $3 off any drink/popcorn condo.

Now, I don't know about you, but I've noticed over the past few years that soft drinks at movie theaters are priced generally two to three dollars more per gallon than gasoline. And at the theaters here in DC, at least, they've posted armed guards next to the popcorn machines.  This is an average 33 percent discount, which means you can ingest one-third more empty calories for roughly the same money as before. That's probably not what AARP has in mind, of course, so maybe you'll want to wash that stuff down with some prune juice.

For me, especially, this is particularly good news, because even though I get to see movies for free as a movie critic, I have never been able to shake my longstanding impulse to sneak food into movie theaters. When I lived in Palm Beach, Florida, there was an Arby's right across the street from my favorite theater, and before a show I'd run over there and buy a Beef-and-Cheddar sandwich, which as you probably know was personally created by God on the Eighth Day. I'd stuff the sandwich in my jacket pocket, and once safely inside with the lights down, open it up. Of course, at that point the jig was up, because the scent of melted cheese on hot, spiced roast beef on a warm onion roll would immediately waft its way to every corner of the theater, like fast-food incense.

Enjoy your movie and popcorn (you'll make back your AARP dues in just a couple of trips to the movies!), but please, if you're sitting behind me, try not to spill it down the back of my shirt.

PHOTO: Twentieth Century-Fox