Undersexed Because of a Complex?

Dr. Pepper Schwartz
Dr. Pepper Schwartz

Q: I'm a 58-year-old widow who has been dating a man for nine months. He's a wonderful person, affectionate and caring. He's in extremely good health, has a dynamite body at 60. The problem is I feel we don't have sex often enough, only twice a month.

I know he has high testosterone levels and he never fails to get and keep an erection. When we do have sex it is the best I've ever had and he says the same. I feel rejected, hurt and unattractive because of this. I've never had this problem before and don't know what to do. Men are always looking at me so I know they are attracted to me. When we have oral sex he can't climax, he says he has too much respect for me. Does he have a Madonna-whore complex? - JH

Dr. Schwartz: Yes, I think he might. How astute of you to think about that!

So, here's the good news: I don't think his lack of sexual frequency is about you at all. I think he may have ambivalence about sex as one of the factors that is inhibiting either desire or sexual activity. He's not alone in this, not by a long shot. Many men (and many women) feel oral sex is demeaning . Of course it isn't!

It's the intent that makes it either loving or demeaning-but perhaps his background has labeled that behavior as sodomy or at least as disrespectful. My guess is that you are not going to change his feelings about this at this stage of life ... although it's worth a try!

What I'm not sure about are the reasons for his low sexual frequency. Do you ever suggest sex? If no, why not? Many women do it, with success, because most men like being desired as long as they don't feel too pressured. If you do, and he backs off, I think you need to have a heart to heart about what's going on.

It could be anything from he secretly uses an erectile function drug and so has to be prepared to he feels like he wants to keep the relationship from getting too intense to he is under pressure at work or with family matters and it stops him from feeling sexy. In other words, there are a lot of possible explanations and you need to find out which one it is.

In any case, it's high time you talk about this. If you are intimate enough to have sex, you should be intimate enough to talk about it.

Drop me a line and tell me how you made out.

Dr. Schwartz answers readers questions every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Submit your questions hereRead of Pepper's columns hereFollow Pepper on Twitter  @pepperschwartz.

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